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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.